Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
