i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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