All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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