I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
