Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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