6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
