I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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