Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
