your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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