I can text with my tongue
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
