I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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