just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Dear god my vagina.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
