To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
