don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Drunk is a universal language darling
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
