god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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