in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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