I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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