I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
