There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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