im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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