i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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