My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
