I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So squirting runs in the family.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
