I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
