Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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