watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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