my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
