the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
