Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
