he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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