dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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