I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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