Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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