Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
your room smells of hookers.
And success
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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