im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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