Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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