Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
