You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
