I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
