I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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