My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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