Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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