Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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