there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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