we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
