This is not my ceiling
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
