before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
