I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
