the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
