apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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