Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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